Are you going through a custody battle for your children? Statistics show that fathers who actively seek custody of their children obtain primary or joint physical custody 70 percent of the time. More and more men are becoming the primary care giver of their children.
How and why are men achieving this position? Data shows several reasons:
- They are becoming more involved in their children's upbringing. They are changing diapers, giving baths, reading books, and fixing meals. Mr. Mom has become a reality.
- They are educating themselves on how to win. They are no longer spending time convincing the judge that the mother is unfit. They are spending their time convincing the judge that they are just as fit as the mother.
- Women are emotional. Men are proving they are more stable emotionally and they are using intelligence to win.
- More men are willing to spend the money on attorney fees preparing for the fight. They are taking the time to seek the best representation in court.
- Not only are they willing to pay the attorney's fees, they are seeking child support from the mother in certain cases. If they receive joint custody, they are asking that the amount of child support be lowered or they not have to pay support since they are responsible for buying diapers, milk, cloths etc. when they have custody.
- Men are forming support groups and learning from other fathers who have won custody.
- Men are proving they can provide a more stable environment because they have a bigger pay day. They are willing to give up the two seater vehicle and bachelor pad. They are buying homes with backyards and SUVs to ensure they have room for the children and excursions.
Initially he was ordered to pay child support and had the usual court order, visitation rights every other week-end and holidays. He obtained a new attorney and won joint custody and no child support the second round. What was different the second time? His attorney focused on the fact that he had a better job and medical benefits. He owned a home and the baby's grandparents, my brother and his wife, were within a mile to assist him with the baby's care. They were available to provide child care and there was no better environment for the baby than his grandparents when he was working. What's amazing is they obtained the same lawyer the second time that helped my brother win custody of his two sons 20 years ago. The change occurred within a 3 month timeframe.
What was different the third time? His son would be entering school full time and it would be impossible to split time between two homes. Although his son's mother had gotten married and had another son, he decided his son would have a more stable home with him. He obtained his lawyer's assistance and geared up for another fight. This time he would be fighting for full custody. He won! He now has his son in his care 24 x 7.
I listened to my son-in-law talk about an exchange with a 59 year old man My son-in-law is 35. My son-in-law told the man that he was an irresponsible father because he wasn't involved in his daughter's life when she was growing up. She's now 35, and it's impossible for him to relive those years. My son-in-law told him that he "needed to man up and admit he was wrong for not being there. He also told the man that if he and his wife (my daughter) went separate ways, he would fight for joint custody. There would be nothing that would stop him from being involved in his son's life."
I've watched my son-in-law with my grandson, and there is no doubt in my mind that he would not fight for joint custody of his son or total custody if he thought it was necessary. The thinking of young men these days is quite different from my generation. Most men in my generation did not seek custody, they were happy paying child support and having their freedom if there was a divorce.
I'm proud of my nephew for seeking
Photo courtesy of stockvault.net
This post is just beautiful! I am a single father and a joint custody activist who writes a weekly blog on the subject, and the information that you give is just priceless. On behalf of all single fathers, thank you.
ReplyDeleteVidal Guzmán
Montclair NJ
You're welcome. I hope this post is educational for both mothers and fathers. Times have changed, there's no guarantees for mothers these days. I wish the best for the children.
DeleteFifteen years ago I started raising my teenage son on my own. I agree that this is just starting to take off though, since most people over the years simply raised an eyebrow or looked in disbelief at me when I explained my situation. Thanks for posting this.
ReplyDeleteHappy Canadian Dad!
I think it's a shame that one has to fight for joint custody if there isn't a concern or neglect on the part of the mother. I know this isn't standard, but parents should be able to arrange regular visitation and involvement of both parents. It would be sad for a mother who was a stay-at-home mom during marriage to have joint custody, not receive child support and not be able to get a job.
ReplyDeleteI understand there are different situations, but a divorcing mom is often screwed. I would hope the parents could work together to ensure that all were well taken care of. It's a shame that a failed relationship is a reason to act in hate and spite.
I didn't see any hate or spite in the situations that I have witnessed, only an interest by the fathers to provide a home for their children. Again times have changed. Men are taking responsibility and not only providing but becoming primary care givers.
DeleteI am really happy about this post- it shows that there are woman out there who know and understand that what's best of the child/ren is having both parents present and active in their lives. Currently my brother is going through a nasty custody battle in NJ and I have seen disgusting biases against fathers. His rights as a father have been deemed as 'unequal' to that of a mothers-I find that appalling. It is too often I am realizing that mothers, because of pain or hate, only focus on hurting and demonizing the father of their children, rather than being honest decent mothers and fostering a positive co-parenting relationship. In my case, I've seen a mother use her children as a bargaining chip to get support and be cruel to the father. What kind of parent doesn't die a little when they are not allowed to see their children? And what kind of parent is the person who doesn't let the child/ren see their other parent?
ReplyDeleteI agree, things can get ugly on both sides. You have fathers who walk away and forget about their children and you have mothers who seek revenge and won't allow the dad's to see their children. Shame on both.
DeleteMy 20 yr old son lived in Nj and moved back last month to MD with the intention his 18 yr old girlfriend who lives in Nj and is 3 months pregnant was to follow after graduation.He did attend her doc appts there so she and the baby would be cared for until she came here.Well she resently stop talking to him and my family with no explanation.He is heart broken and wants to be involved in her pregnancy and his babys life.He wants help to get full custody or joint custody something.He works full time and has medical and we have a spare room that he has set up for the baby.She doesn't work and also lives with her family but the baby will share a room with her and her sister.Does my son have any chance at custody being he lives in another state.And how do we find a good lawyer in Jersey.
ReplyDeleteIn New Jersey there is a distance limit between two divorced parents (I think is 10 miles) to grant joint custody. Nevertheless, your son has the right to request his visitation rights and even to request full custody, in case the case that the mother is considered unfit. An attorney that I can recommend, because she worked with my case, is Carolann Aschoff; google her name as family attorney and her practice will pop out immediately.
ReplyDeleteToo many fathers are abusing the system in order to not pay as much in child support. They seem to forget how much a mother does for her child. In my case, I'm the one that brings in supplies for my son's projects at school, brings in things at school for his parties, and purchases his clothes while his father doesn't even give a second look to these things. His father is fighting for 50/50 custody which would requre him to pay on $30 per week to me. Honestly, what can I possibly do with $30 per week?!?! A father that honestly cares about his child would want to the best schedule possible for his child (even if it is 50/50), but also care that he is providing the other parent with enough funds to care for his child.
ReplyDeleteI personnaly feel that both parents need to focus on providing what's best for the child...that includes the best use of parenting time and ensuring that both homes can financially survive. Financially stable fathers that use 50/50 in order to lower their child support are not good fathers. A father that will slip the mother additional money when she's going through a hard week, month, or year are caring fathers. I've seen my dad give my mom additional money just so she could go to get her nails done because he wanted do something nice for her. He felt that if she felt good about herself then she would be a better mom. Now I see my ex try to give me the least amount he can when he has a lot more money to spare. It's just so sad - that is not my definition of a caring father. BOTH parents should care about having 2 financially successful homes.
In this day and age it's difficult to finance two houses. I believe each parent should be responsible for their own home. If the father wants to give extra and can that's fine but he shouldn't feel obligated. I disagree that fathers who seek 50/50 are not good fathers. If he's doing his part that's all that the law requires. Mom may have to educate herself and get a job or a better job.
DeleteFor a long time, it was usually the mothers that have the right to child custody especially and until they reach the legal age. Though divorce and the battle for custody are always nasty, it’s nice to see that the image of men being irresponsible fathers is starting to diminish. Thanks for sharing these facts and your story, Rhonda!
ReplyDelete-Fredric Exline
Of course, fathers should be aggressive in seeking custody if they want it.
ReplyDeleteThis is quite an interesting post indeed! And if I may add, I think it’s being responsible that made these guys win the case. It is a very sensitive case when children are involved. The story of your brother is very inspiring. He won the custody because he’s ready to face any kind of battle if it’s for his children.
ReplyDeleteMarshall @LawyerStGeorge.com